Growing Pains

AAB59540-CF35-4C4D-A021-CC9D0BCDE49EI’ve never been very good at consistency. As you can see from my posts I’ve been on a bit of a blogging hiatus for a number of reasons.

First . . I didn’t create this blog as a means to make income. It’s something I like doing as a release and thats exactly the way that I use it. In times of struggle or in times of triumph I love this space. It’s mine, and I get to post as often or as little as I’d like.

With that being said, I write when I feel called to write. When I feel like I actually have something to say. And through my time having this blog, I have had some posts that have been more forced than others. (NOT stranger things. Seriously that show consumed my life and I’m still waiting patiently for season three. Gotta have a little bit of fun.)

But I want to make this post about some things that have been going on in my life.

I ended 2017 by graduating college. After 6 years of struggling to find my place in school, it was exciting to see it all come to an end.

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However, since graduating I feel like life has continued to surprise me in ways that I didn’t expect. I honestly anticipated graduation so much that I thought my life would be rainbows and sunshine from that point forward.

I so often tend to focus on the task at hand and lose sight of the big picture. Needless to say, I didn’t have a good plan for what I was going to do afterwards.

I started a new job that I didn’t like. My dad developed some health issues, that for now, are under control. I hadn’t been taking care of my OWN health. Eating right, exercising, and my personal relationships as a result were being affected.

I saw myself talking to my friends/family about all MY problems. Neglecting the fact that they have their own. It’s like I forgot that it’s my responsibility to take care of myself, and its not fair for me to burden them with my complaining.

As I went down this rabbit hole of negativity I had to take a look at my own life and  I got sad, honestly. “They” (whoever they are), say that we see in other people only a reflection of what we see in ourselves. I realized I was ignoring some of my own very personal issues.

I began thinking of my mom. Often. I drive past where she had her accident every day for work, and my childhood resurfaced. I tend to disregard the fact that growing up I felt neglected and that expresses itself in the need for attention from others that I should be managing on my own.

Which is exactly the direction that I’ve been going, and it’s been hard. Because it’s so easy to blame outside sources for the problems that are really coming from within us.

I kept asking God, “why do I have to go through more struggle in my life?! Haven’t I been through enough?” First of all, how selfish of me. Second of all, how wrong!

Because my Aunt reminded me that God isn’t putting me through anything. God is what gets me THROUGH everything. And that has been such a beautiful revelation since hearing. I love you Aunt Gina.

I find that it’s important to share these things because we like to portray our lives to be perfect. OR. We share ALL of the pitfalls in hopes that people will feel bad and offer us some reassurance that we should be giving to ourselves in the first place.

I’m not perfect. I continue to make mistake after mistake and I am very unsure of the direction of my life. THAT’S SCARY. But I am slowly realizing that I am not alone, ever, and that is where I’ve found comfort.

So this post is pretty much about how immature I really am, and regaining some control over how I react to life’s variables.

I’ve been getting back in the gym, I’ve refocused in my career, and I am encouraging/loving/supporting the ones who do the same for me.

While i’m still not overly exhilarated with life right now, I’m respecting that I have to work on myself. Growing pains. Ouch.

From one often times confused, very frustrated, and truthfully broken girl. . . it’s going to be okay. Just breath. Write. Run. Take a yoga class. Be an encourager. Eat a donut. Or a salad. Help a stranger. Help yourself. Talk to someone. Grieve. Be sad. Be thankful. Do whatever you need to do.

But don’t ever be fooled into thinking that you are alone, and that you don’t have the ability to keep moving forward.

I turn to God. Even when I do so wrong by him. When I know I don’t deserve his grace, and most people would laugh at my very attempt. When I laugh at my very attempt, because I am so far from being perfect it’s unreal. But I’m still here, and that means something.

So be confused, frustrated, broken, and be okay in that.

Learn to be okay when things don’t make sense. 

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